My Boyfriend Gives Me Sweet, Sweet Lumberjack Lovin’

But he’s not home right now.

Instead of humping, I ate a super boring spinach salad. If Jeff would have been here, he would have said, “Babe, are you sure you want to eat that? Last time you a ate a spinach salad you said to me, ‘Jeff, don’t ever let me eat a spinach salad all by itself like this again. It gives me crazy green poop for two days,’ and those are your words not mine. Even though I love you and I don’t care if you have crazy green spinach poop.” To which I would have replied, “Thanks, babe!” and eaten the salad anyway, ’cause I fucking love spinach salads.

The point is, he’s not here to warn me about my crazy green spinach poop. So, I turn to my other boyfriend, Steve Martin.

My boyfriend reminds me a great deal of Steve Martin in Roxanne. I say Roxanne because I don’t mean Cyrano de Bergerac. I’ve read that play and he is nothing like the play. Steve Martin takes it up a notch and I sweartogod I wouldn’t be surprised if I walked in on Jeff watching the movie, rehearsing Lines/Personality Traits That Will Make Amanda Hot. My philosophy brain gets freaked out by this concept because I start to wonder if I am really attracted to my boyfriend specifically because he is like Steve Martin in Roxanne. Then, because of my philosophy degree, I instantly leapfrog into, THERE IS NO FATE OR PLAN. EVERYTHING IS RANDOM AND YOU WILL DIE ALONE. Which, as any student of philosophy can tell you, is a natural transition made for the rest of one’s life after they have taken just one philosophy class. Imagine majoring in it.

As a tribute to my boyfriend who is not here right now, as he is instead playing poker and getting drunk with The Dudes, which if I’m being honest he really deserves a night with said dudes, I would like to mention one of his favorite books, The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. This book is special for both of us now because – get ready to puke in your mouth a little – he gave it to me our first Christmas together with a very sweet inscription in his wonderful, all capital letters, engineering student handwriting.

So, until he gets home, I will pine for his taste in books, his cool handwriting, and his sweet, sweet lumberjack lovin’. But when he gets back, we’re gonna hump.


    1. That it does! I thought that only happened to me. A unique combination of my saliva and spinach. I hate when I accidentally run my tongue over my teeth, and I can hear the squeaking noise in my head. And it feels so . . . gross.

      Humping is one of my favorite pastimes. I highly recommend it.

  1. Thank you for a post that made me laugh out loud. And I read the green spinach poop stuff out loud to my husband, who laughed but thought I was kind of weird for reading him something about green spinach poop.

    I also liked that bit about philosophy. I was not a philosophy major and actually only tried to take one philosophy course: existentialism. I dropped it after one week of hearing about how romantic love and long-term love our mutually exclusive. Depressing shit. But it sounds like you’re keeping the romantic humping alive with your guy, so way to go!

    1. Thank you for such a wonderful comment! You have no idea how happy it made me. Seriously, I read it from my phone while at my job . . . at the mall . . . and it made me so stoked to know that I could make you laugh out loud that I got through the rest of the day with a stupid grin on my face.

      Philosophy is really tough. I think it is one of those things that you have to be into, like knitting or playing an instrument. You have already dig it before you even know anything about it. Plus, most philosophy majors are heartless, cold, old white dudes. Somehow I made it out alive, and now I write about green spinach poop.

      Thanks again!

      1. Thank you for cheering me up and making me snort earl grey tea out of my nose with laughter thinking about green spinach poop (ain’t we all been there?) – You know that “Ugly Girl Laugh” that most of us have done? *screws up face and laughs so hard no sound comes out except the occassional loud honking sound whilst trying to breathe and your body shakes*

        ^You made me do that one. So that means I now have to hit the “stalk/subscribe” button; Peace out dude have an awesome weekend!

      2. Thank you thank you thank you!

        Damn. That is such a nice comment. I’m so glad to see women coming out and sharing their green poop stories. You have no idea how great it makes me feel to know that others have had the same experience.

        I’m honored that you are now stalking/subscribed to my blog!

        And really, I mean all of that. Tone is hard to convey in this sort of environment, so I just want to make it very clear that I am not being ironic.

        Hope you have had a wonderful weekend. I’m heading out to my grandma’s to partake in some delicious Easter Ham.

        That should be my next post: Ham Farts.

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