How to be Neurotic

After How to be Inappropriate, I realized that I have a lot of How To advice that I can offer. Some of the How To ideas that I have played around with are:

• How to fart like a lady.
• How to make fun of horrible people without them realizing it.
• How to compliment someone and accidentally make it seem like an insult.
• How to have awkward sex.
• How to change a tampon in front of your significant other.
• Guest post from Jeff: How to watch your significant other change their tampon.
• How to have anal sex  – which is a post that might actually come to fruition pretty soon. There’s a lot of -ahem- shit that needs to be said about anal sex that the ladies don’t know and should know if they want to put a penis in their butt. I’m talking about pornos that make things unrealistic, son.

The list goes on.

However, I decided to go with How to be Neurotic because I’m really fucking good at it. That’s it. That’s my reason. I hope you like it. And whether you do or not, I will sit here waiting for validation until I get it. Then when I get validation, I will still think that you were just being nice to spare my feelings and wonder what you really think of me.

That was step one, folks.

Here we go – a list of the things that should be on the neurotic (female) mind during various activities.

During Sex

Did I just fart?

Did he just fart?

I’m gonna poop.

I have to pee?

Shit. I queefed.

I’m pregnant. I can tell.

Is the front door locked?

If we ever leave the front door unlocked that will be the one time someone shows up to rob us. They will rape me and kill Jeff and I will have to spend years learning karate to avenge him.

Yeast infection?

What time is it? I need to wake up at seven.

Where’s the cat?

While Cooking

How much do I like this shirt? Enough to wear an apron? I’ll just go for it.

Fuck. My shirt.

Is this bad? I can’t tell. I’ll just make it into soup.

Will my soup make everyone sick?

Was I supposed to put the flour in first?

Will Jeff like this?

If he doesn’t like it, will he stop loving me?

Does he like any of my food?

He really hates all of my food but keeps it a secret because he loves me so much.

Tapeworms.

Is that a hair?

While Shopping

I’m fat.

I wish I was fatter so I could fit into this.

My boobs are too big.

Nope, they’re too small.

The person who tried this on before me had ringworm, didn’t they?

Yeast infection?

I have back fat.

I have armpit fat.

I’m not the problem! Clothes are the problem!

Nope. I’m the problem.

I’m going to the thrift store.

Body lice?

Book

If you want to read a book about a girl who does her best to handle the various neurotic episodes that fill the lives of young girls entering womanhood, then read I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith. It’s one of my favorite books of all time. If you have a female in your life of any age, get her this book! The main character is a wonderful role model for women everywhere and the book is filled with some of the better beautiful prose in this world.

Let me know what you think of this post in the comments!

Go on, validate me.