Sometimes I have a problem with tact. For example, a few weekends ago at Jeff’s little brother’s girlfriend’s graduation party (meant to be said in one breath) I said the following things to Jeff’s little brother’s girlfriend’s father under the influence of a large portion of a bottle of tequila:
- Don’t tempt me, son. I’ll whip these titties out.
- My bra unhooks from the front, so we can get this party started real quick.
- You gave my boyfriend chewing tobacco?! You sick son-of-a-bitch.
- I’ll kill you.
Note that most of my comments are about my breasts. This was due to the fact that I was wearing my summer-time racer back super push-up bra that knocks my tits more or less to the sky, and when I consume any alcohol in said bra I tend to bring most of the attention in the room to my voluminous breasts because when I don’t have that bra on, I have normal – borderline – B-cups. Also note that the comments were made in a threatening context. I was threatening to release my breasts from their lacy cage as a form of punishment. This was not a “hey hot old dude with a beer gut . . . you wanna?” situation.
Yesterday, when trying to convince Jeff to go on a walk with me, which he hates doing, he said, “I don’t want to walk unless there is a destination,” to which I replied “Our destination is fitness.” And then I laughed loud and impressively at my own clever joke.
Today, my grandma had a real pill for a nurse. The woman was clearly miserable in her profession which, leaving all obvious issues of the economy out of it, I have little or no sympathy for. If you hate what you are doing then don’t do it. Find another job. Answer phones from 9-5, work in a gas station, sell homemade sex toys, I don’t care. Just don’t be a nurse if you hate people. It’s not that hard to not be a nurse. In fact, it’s much harder to be a nurse than it is to not be a nurse, so I really don’t see what the problem is. The long and short of it is that this woman was a wretched bitch and I flipped her off behind her back and made a duck-face at her when she left the room. My grandma looked at me and said, “Child” because that’s what she calls me, especially when she is shocked by something I’ve done.
Last week, a woman came into the candle store and I nuzzled right up her asshole like a good little salesperson (because even though I don’t like working in a candle store I’m working on changing that, and I am determined to be nice to people unless they are shitty to me and then it’s on) and said, “So what brings you in today?” and because she was a bitch she said, “The sale. Obviously.” Now, let me make this picture perfectly clear for you: we are having a semi-annual sale. This means big white and red sale signs. It also means that we get people in the store who aren’t our traditional demographic and thus people we might not jibe with. So, we get a lot of people who, when we ask them what brings them in, respond in what they think is a really cute and original way by saying, “The sale” and then they chuckle. Har har. Because of all this, by the time I greeted this woman – who really was just blatantly rude in that her rudeness was as of yet unprovoked on my part – I was in no mood. So, I said, “Well what part of the sale brings you in? It’s a big sale. There’s lots to it.”
“The seventy-five percent off sign is what brought me in, ok?”
“Well, if you like the seventy-five percent off sign we have it right over there, but I’m afraid it isn’t for sale.”
How to be Inappropriate
What I’m trying to say here is I’ve got a mouth on me. When I was really young, my grandmother used to tell me to keep my mouth shut or I was going to get my ass kicked by a girl bigger than me. My mom still tells me to keep my mouth shut and Jeff shushes me in public constantly. Yet, do I learn? No. Well, I know I should keep my mouth shut but I don’t apply the method. It’s just not for me.
By now you’re asking yourself, “Amanda, how can I publicly embarrass myself on a daily basis just like you?” It’s easy, friends!
Step one: say what you think everyone else is thinking but what no one wants to say out loud. For example, last night my friend and I were at a country bar watching Jeff dj. Said country bar has a mechanical bull that costs $5 to ride, yet sadly this is not an equal opportunity bull. You see, the asshole running the bull favored big breasted women as he was able to make the bull “shimmy” in way that caused much quivering of the females’ breasts, at which point he liked to pause and say, “What time is it? It’s boob shaking time!” and he posed other serious philosophical questions to the audience like, “Are they real or fake?” Firstly, a much catchier thing to say than “boob shaking time” would be “titty time” but we aren’t discussing poetry. After our first dose of “boob shaking time,” I turned to my friend and said, “I would love to see that sack of shit get up there, masturbate until his teeny tiny little penis was as rock hard as it could get, then shake it for the audience. WHIP OUT YOUR BALLS, ASSHOLE. SHAKE ‘EM MUTHAFUCKA!”
I’m almost positive those were my exact words. There were several women in the general area who shared my sentiment.
The point is, you can say what you know (or think) everyone else is thinking but doesn’t want to say out loud and break the tension, taking the focus away from said asshole and on to something much funnier. (This is not to say that objectification of either sex is appropriate, but that using someone’s own nasty methods against them in order to illustrate the nastiness of their actions can sometimes be very effective).
Step two: Have no shame. Refer to the above “Don’t tempt me, son. I’ll whip these titties out.” Usually, having no shame in the right environment can lead to a great time.
Step three: Own it. You want to be the crazy person in the room? Then you have to go balls to the wall. Don’t pause, don’t apologize, just own it. Otherwise you’re the person who’s on the fence. Remember, if you are always unpredictable people can predict that you will be unpredictable which makes people happy because they have you pegged as the “unpredictable” one.
(Appropriate) Book Recommendation
The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch is a book that taught me more about how to be myself. Yuknavitch writes about what it took to become comfortable with herself and her body. This book is difficult to comment on because it will always be about so much more than what anyone can say it’s about. The book is ineffable and must be read to be understood. Sorry to get all literary up in here, but it’s true. The book is awesome in the true sense of the word and I recommend it to all.
Your assignment this week? Read The Chronology of Water and say something terribly inappropriate in public. Loudly.
Question for you guys:
I’m thinking of posting one day a week and I’m wondering what day of the week you guys would like a post most of all? I’m thinking Mondays would be nice since the day is usually a little lame by nature, and it would be a nice pick-me-up for me and, hopefully, for you guys too.
Tell me your thoughts in the comments!
I like the Monday idea. Less chance of suicides.
Utilitarianism FTW. Did I just do that? Did I just combine philosophy with 4yr old internet speak? Yes. Deal.
Monday’s would be good!! My Monday sucked today and your blog picked me right up!!
Fabulous! 2 votes for Mondays so far!
your blog posts make me cry laughing, you seriously r the best!
Thank you, Bridget! That’s all I want to do is just make people laugh until they cry. So glad you liked it!
Yesterday was Monday.
I am disappoint.
I know! I’m working on it. Next Monday, I promise! Shit went down this week, son. Shit went down.