Ryan Gosling Circle Jerk

Tonight, I watched the movie Drive. It was so awful, I didn’t even want to masturbate to Ryan Gosling afterwards. If you want to watch a movie with Ryan Gosling, go to the classic, The Notebook, because that movie is good, dammit. In fact, I think we have that on DVD and I’m going to search for it after this. And then I will cry while I watch it because Jeff is gone. He’s camping in Bishop, California with a bunch of other dudes.

I know what you’re asking yourselves, “Did Amanda make as many circle-jerk jokes as I think she did?” and the answer is yes. Yes I did. I made several jokes, loudly and in public, about how they were all going to sit around a campfire, rub their balls together, cry and say “no homo.”

So, you can all sleep easy tonight.

What am I going to do with my free time? Well, apparently I do stuff like take $300 out of my savings to buy myself pretty things. My reason? I finished a tough semester and I deserve it. I also got Mom-Approval for the event, so that means it’s valid. The other thing I do is go to my friend’s house and eat until I get the meat-sweats from the brisket her husband smoked for nine hours. And then I stay at their house until 3 in the morning because they are the kind of people who can stay up until 6 AM and have get-up-and-go four hours later. The problem? I am not one of those people, so when I woke up this morning at 10 AM to hang out with my mom, I felt a little hung-over which was unfortunate in that I was already hung-over all of last weekend after I drank too much booze.

I have a thing for gin.

Why did I drink so much deliciously poisonous boozey booze? I was celebrating the end of the semester. Jeff thinks it’s the funniest damn thing in the world when I get drunk because I do a few different things:

  • Speak Spanish.
  • Talk about ancient philosophers sodomizing each other.
  • Whisper dirty things into his ear and make-out with him in front of lots of people.

These are all things he enjoys and cherishes. What makes it even better is that I don’t really like being under the influence of any substance because I enjoy having my wits about me in case I need to argue a point and make some terrible person cry, so when I’m drunk, I’m actually lucid the whole time, but just impaired. Basically, no matter how drunk I get, I can constantly say, “I wish I wasn’t drunk so I could keep reading In Cold Blood,” which is something I really said this week.

Exciting. I know.

I did feel up my friend’s boobs. I was trying to convince her she had such nice boobs that I couldn’t even resist them, but instead it came off weird, and one of the bartenders was staring at us, most likely with a rager that he was trying to hide behind the counter.

When I haven’t been drunk or watching disappointing films, I’ve been reading In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. I didn’t think a book about a true crime could be beautifully written, but this one is. If you don’t like anything even slightly scary, you should not read this book. Because the murders in the book actually happened, there is no way to do the “at least this is just a work of fiction” thing to try and un-terrify yourself.

What have we learned, everyone? Don’t watch Drive, do watch The Notebook, and read In Cold Blood, but not when you’re alone.

Solid.

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13 comments

  1. I LOVE Gosling. Loved him since Remember The Titans. And yes The Notebook rocks. The book is awesome, better than the movie. But seeing Gosling on screen sort of makes up for that 🙂

  2. LOL that made me laugh. I haven’t seen the appeal in him. He looks a little girly to me, but I like the more roughed up look.
    I did enjoy In Cold Blood. The movie is excellent too.

    1. Glad I could make you laugh. Yes, he sometimes looks a little too “clean” for me as well. I like a big, burly man with a beard, aka my boyfriend. A lumberjack is what I like.

    1. I haven’t seen that one yet, but I’ve heard nothing but good things.

      Thank goodness you agree! My mom and I were watching the movie thinking that the ending was going to have a totally different twist, and what we thought was going to happen would have actually been much more interesting.

      By the way, did you notice the level of smirking going on between all the characters all the time?! No one had any lines, they just knowingly smirked at each other as their form of communication.

      1. My friend and I were bitterly disappointed. I just didn’t understand why he turned into such a psychopath. Why did people just stare at each other all the time in the film? And what was with the soundtrack? It was like 80s music but I think the movie was set in the modern day …

        Definitely check out Ryan’s abs in Crazy, Stupid, Love oh, and his acting.

  3. The Notebook made me cry a lot, so I don’t think I will ever watch it again. It was good, but I dislike crying. Crazy, Stupid, Love has become one of my favorite movies. As has Drive. Drive wasn’t at all what I expected it to be, but I still loved it.

    1. That’s a very fair reason for not watching The Notebook again. I haven’t seen Crazy, Stupid, Love yet, so I will have to get back to you on that one. What did you like about Drive? I want to know because I think maybe I didn’t get it, or something was lost on me. Maybe I was too hung up on the fact that there were no really good car chases?

      1. The lack of car chases did bother me a bit. I wanted to see more crazy driving. I enjoyed the lack of dialog, although at first I though Ryan’s character was mute or something. I loved the violence. Because I like to watch people bleed. But only in movies and stuff, not real life. Unless it is UCF or something. I like that his character was completely fucked, and most of it was due to the actions of others, and him trying to be a nice guy. Instead of crying about it he whipped out his balls and took care of shit. Killer in an elevator? Let me make out with you for a second, then I will beat his head in as you watch in horror. He was sweet and romantic in a creepy, scary kind of way. It was cool that he didn’t get the girl in the end because it is more realistic.

        Despite being kind of strange, I enjoyed Drive the first time I saw it, and it only got better with each subsequent viewing. Just like Moulin Rouge (one of my favorite movies of all time). I can see how people might be turned off from it, and I suggest you check out Crazy, Stupid, Love A.S.A.P. That movie made me laugh. Out loud.

  4. Hahah I actually did enjoy Drive. Not as much as I thought I would but still, it was alright. Gosling’s pretty good, and equally un-masturbate-to-able in Lars and the Real Girl!

    1. How true! I didn’t think about Lars and the Real Girl because I love that movie so much, but you’re right! He is totally un-masterbate-to-able in that film as well!

      Good eye!

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