Yeah. Hate to break it to you if you don’t already know, but girls poop, too. It’s a reality that we all must face at some point. Girls and women everywhere take huge, steaming dumps that would make any man-poop jump out of the toilet and right back into the warm, dark place from whence it came.
Example: yesterday, I had to poop so badly that I was sweating in my car on the way home. I took a weird, sideways, butt-cocked into the air sitting position to make it a little more comfortable. You know that position you take when you’re trying to release a particularly frightening fart? I know you know.
When I got home, Jeff and I greeted each other as usual, but he noticed the frantic look in my eyes as I grabbed my phone and said, “I really have to poo. I’m gonna take my phone. This is going to be a while.” He responded with a high five.
That’s true love, people.
What amazes me about women and bowel movements is that we keep it so secret from one another. Today, I was in the women’s restroom at school, and I knew the girl next to me really needed to take a dump because she was totally silent in the stall and tapping her feet. What this translates to, as any woman knows is, “Get the fuck out of the bathroom so I can shit, bitch.” But what I don’t understand, and have never understood, is why this modesty is so necessary. Think about what going to the bathroom actually entails. First, you go into the stall. It’s some metal propped up against some other metal to give you the illusion of privacy. Then, you pull your pants down, so that anyone who is looking at the gap between the stall and floor (It’s me. I’m looking.) can see your underwear. Then you expel waste material from your body. Modesty is out of the question at that point, so you might as well let ‘er rip as far as I’m concerned.
I once dated a guy who couldn’t crap in public bathrooms. He couldn’t even use my bathroom except to pee. But he had no problem farting. His farts smelled like french bread and milk, which is not the pleasing combination you think it would be. Do you see where I’m going with this? By virtue of farting in front of me, he was acknowledging the fact that he was able to have a bowel movement. By virtue of being in the bathroom, ladies, you are acknowledging that you go to the bathroom, i.e. you take massive dumps. Or normal sized dumps. Really, whatever works for you as long as your body is healthy.
This leads me to my next issue which isn’t as big of a leap as some people might think it is: girls freaking the hell out about their vulvas being weird looking/smelling weird/making them unlovable. Or that their vaginas (and the vulva and vagina are two different things!) are too big/too tight/too narrow/not deep enough, etc.
Female genitalia has an odor. If the odor is funky, you need to see your gynecologist. If you don’t know what constitutes a funky odor, then you need to see your gynecologist.
Female genitalia is all kinds of different. Personally, one of my labia is slightly longer than the other. Some ladies have one labia that is way longer than the other. Other ladies have high, tight labia, and yet others have labia that hang way down low. And you know what? THAT’S RAD. Dudes love all up on their balls all the time, so why can’t ladies start lovin’ all up on their labia? Dig it?
Also, women have orgasms. We even want to have them. Freaky, right?
I highly recommend this website for any women who want to learn more about how other women view their bodies in a positive way. DISCLAIMER: THERE IS ADULT MATERIAL ON THE WEBSITE http://dodsonandross.com/ IF YOU GO TO THIS WEBSITE, THERE WILL BE PICTURES OF VULVAS, BREASTS, AND EVEN SOME PENISES. THERE IS MENTION OF THE EVER SO ELUSIVE FEMALE ORGASM. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE ANY OF THESE THINGS, DO NOT CLICK THE LINK. That is all.
So, where is the connection between pooping, vaginas, and women? I don’t think it’s a secret that all women have body issues of some kind. I want to do my part to make that not so, or to at least help some babes out there feel better about themselves. There is a book that I think can do this for women, or at least open the door. Vaginas: An Owner’s Manual is a very good read for any woman at any age.
Here’s a funny video about vaginal cleanliness from when SNL was still funny:
Rock out with your vulva out! And take a big crap, too!