Feelin’ like a chunk monster.

So, I gained a few pounds during the holidays. Normal. To me, if you don’t gain a few pounds during the holidays, you are celebrating wrong.

HOWEVER,

I gained a little too much weight during the holidays and now I am bordering on not fitting into my Gap Jeans and this pisses me off for several reasons:

1. Gap Jeans are expensive as shit. Ok, I know someone will say, “Nuh uh, there are other, way more expensive jeans!” and that is true, but to me any jeans over $30 are expensive. I buy everything at the thrift store or H&M (which is basically a thrift store filled with new clothes that might as well have been worn before you bought them and are just as cheap if you get them on sale) everything that is, except pants! I cannot buy thrift store pants and I will tell you why: MY BUTT’S TOO BIG. You say, “Amanda, every girl says that about her butt and it’s never that big. Welp, guess what? Mine is that big. I assure you. And you must take my word for it because there is now way in sweet goddamn I am putting a picture of my ass on the interwebs.

2. I hate going into the Gap. I really, really hate it. The store manager at my local Gap is one of those people who is really nice and super evil at the same time. Once, he gave me four coupon books, that is four coupon books for Gap Jeans, and told me to just use one a week for a month to get all the jeans my little heart could desire. So nice! Then, he told me I was pretty, but my bottom half was real juicy so my jeans would wear out faster which is why I needed the coupons. So evil! But honest I suppose. . .

3. I hate clothes shopping. If I could -legally- walk around naked all day just swingin’ my boobies free, I would.

4. Jeans kind of suck. Let’s be honest. The comfiest clothes in the world are, well, bathrobes and everything else is too elaborate with all the zippers and buttons and clasps and ties and . . . ugh. Clothes are a bummer. Plain and simple. I’ve become a big fan of leggings and just letting my camel toe rock out. I really don’t care anymore.

What I hope to achieve sometime in the next month or so is a loss of said holiday weight and a return back to life sans muffin-top.

Meanwhile –

No Coffee, Day Two has been completed, and I gotta say, it was a lot harder than Day One. I didn’t get quite as much sleep last night as I should have, which I paid for today. I think this was a good experience because it became very clear, very quickly just how much I have been depending on coffee to wake me up. I realized I have been cheating on sleep and not getting enough of it because I can just have coffee in the morning and be “fine.” I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch to say that some of my holiday weight isn’t just holiday weight but stay-in-bed-on-my-mornings-off-because-I-haven’t-been-getting-enough-sleep-like-a-good-grown-up-should-and-instead-of-exercising-I-drink-more-coffee-and-eat-a-donut weight.

But hey, I’m addressing the problem, and the great thing about weight? You can lose it! Internet high-five for optimism!

I will say, to anyone considering kicking the four cups of coffee a day habit, I highly recommend it. Even if it’s hard, I am more focused so I can have more fun, be more productive and read more awesomeness.

I made a succulent garden! The background is a bit creepy, but the sun was going down and the only place in the apartment with really great light was the Creepy Corner.

Do you see what I mean? Productivity!

Note: The Wise Man’s Fear came out in paperback today. If you like any kind of fantasy in the novels you read, pick it up! You will have to read the first book in the series, Name of the Wind to know what the hell is going on, but you should. If you don’t, the Fairies of Good Books will pluck out your eyes while you’re sleeping so you can never read vampire romance again! Mwahahaha . . .  actually, just read what you want. As long as you’re reading.

On to Day Three of no coffee and Mission Eradicate Muffin Top!

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4 comments

  1. Oh my god, jeans really do suck. I am agreeing on behalf of women everywhere. Except the soft denim jeans you can get at Target. I wear them at least four times a week. Fit 4 (for girls with existing butts) and flared at the bottom to even out proportions and thus minimize booty capacity. Nobody at Target called me juicy, and I got coupons for toilet paper. Coupons I will actually use.

    Also… I’m on 5 cups of coffee a day now, but don’t make me quit. I already had to give up sex. I need something to live for.

    Love,
    Dani

  2. All right! Go Amanda! You can do it. First off that succulent garden is way awesome. You changed my thoughts on how good a book could be with the king killer chronicles.ife without coffee after you’ve had lots of coffee is going to be tough but look you’ve made on average about 600% more blogs this past month. Don’t even get me started on your weekly percentage. Now that is productivity! I also wanted to bring up a famous quote that I hope in the meantime will cheer you up while you are losing weight. When asked about the muffin top and its meaning to a good natured girl in this hectic world; that one guy in that one commercial said “the muffin top – it’s the best part of the muffin!” You are beautiful.

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